What follows, then, are seven statements, each with six alternate endings, in the above order, to suit and gauge each variety of fan - where are you? - on the Ute-Cougar sliding scale of over-baked-fully baked-half-baked whackjobs:

1. Utah will beat BYU because:

a) BYU sucks.

b) The Cougars deserve a beatdown because they're a bunch of self-righteous, self-congratulatory prima donnas who think perfection is not just their quest, but their birthright, and have no clue why anyone would take exception to them putting themselves in perfection's area code, on or off the field.

c) The Utes have too many playmakers who can't be covered by BYU's secondary, which is filled with guys who couldn't break 4.7 in the 40 if their moms were on the stopwatch.

d) Utah sucks.

e) It will get lucky, like it did against TCU, and bad calls by the officials and injuries will hurt the Cougars, preventing them from playing the way they could have.

f) Brian Johnson is allowed to play when he should have been ruled ineligible for sitting courtside at the Jazz-Suns game.

2. BYU will beat Utah because:

a) BYU sucks.

b) Urban Meyer is now coaching at Florida.

c) Andy Ludwig is the offensive coordinator at Utah.

d) Utah sucks.

e) Magic happens when you live right.

f) Max Hall is a Heisman-quality quarterback.

3. Johnson will throw four touchdown passes because:

a) BYU sucks.

b) He's better than Alex Smith.

c) See 1.c).

d) Utah sucks.

e) The Utes' offensive line will hold on every stinking play, without being flagged, stopping the Cougars from pressuring Johnson the way they otherwise would have had the refs not jobbed them.

f) He's a decent quarterback, but he's no Alex Smith.

4. Austin Collie will catch four touchdown passes because:

a) BYU sucks.

b) Dude pushes off on every route.

c) Two words: Brice McCain.

d) Utah sucks.

e) See 2.e).

f) He's the best receiver in the history of BYU, the Mountain West, the world, and he gives great halftime speeches.

5. BYU's defense will shut out the Utes because:

a) BYU sucks.

b) Pigs, not pigskins, will fly.

c) See 2.c).

d) Utah sucks.

e) It will have learned from all of its earlier difficult teachable moments, ascending to a higher level of execution and playing assignment-sound Football by utilizing timely play recognition and gaining the collective consciousness of effort and competitive spirit necessary to manifest the position mastery required, through diligence and consistency, to win big.

f) Utah is no better than UCLA.

6. Utah's defensive line will dominate BYU's offensive line because:

a) BYU sucks.

b) Paul Kruger is a god.

c) It is every bit as fast and athletic as TCU's front, maybe as good as the Tennessee Titans' .

d) Utah sucks.

e) The refs hate the Cougars, not allowing them to grab fistfuls of jersey the way they should be permitted to do.

f) The senior Cougar O-linemen are distracted by pro scouts who have assured them, no matter how often they get beat, that all four will be picked in the NFL Draft.

7. Our head coach will out-coach their head coach because:

a) BYU is the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.

b) Kyle Whittingham's done it, win or lose, every year he's faced Bronco Mendenhall.

c) Donkey's too slow to adjust.

d) Utah is the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.

e) Bronco reads his playbook and his scriptures and puts on a heckuva Friday night fireside, which is more important anyway, before Saturday's game.

f) Tradition. Honor. Spirit.

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* GORDON MONSON hosts "The Monson & Graham Show" weekdays 2-6 p.m. on 1280 AM The Zone. He can be reached at gmonson@sltrib.com